random rumble

Sorry for being a bit late, but better late than never. So my three weeks of winter holiday has officially started, finally! Thank God it finally is here! Last week has been quite excruciating for me, having to face an exam which counts a quarter of that whole particular module, and then I had my Arabic exam in a couple of hours after that, all in the same day. I am not supposed to brag about all of these, since I was the one who chose to pursue my studies in the first place, but given all the things that’s happened to me lately, I could honestly use somewhere to let it all out, since I failed to find anyone alive who would want to listen to me, so what the heck, this is all I’ve got left.

To be really honest, I don’t think people really listen to what I have to say. I tend to jumble lots of things together when I talk to people, jumping from one topic to another. Why do I do that, well that is by far one of the oldest tricks in the book to keep a conversation alive with people, because I do not want to bore people of whom I’m talking to, I’d rather just touch on the surfaces then carry on mentioning a new one. Plus, I don’t think they really want to listen to my stories, no one has, so why should you? Not that my stories are any fun, I don’t go to places much, I even have strange tastes and interests.

Don’t believe me yet?

Let me prove to you what I mean. If you pay enough attention, you’ll notice I do not like my pictures to be taken. Go take a look at my Facebook wall and try to find when was the last time I was tagged in a photo with someone else; it’ll be even more difficult to find a photo of me on my own, other than the photos of me taken by myself when I was trying blazers or jackets on that is. I just don’t like to see my own face, not that I am not grateful that God has blessed me with it, but if it’s possible I’d rather not to look at it. Perhaps it’s a disorder, something I picked up during my childhood, or maybe I don’t need yet another reminder of how huge of a failure I am.

Back when I was in SSAS the English department used to have this so called English journal which requires each student to fill those journals up day by day. To help make things interesting, the journals contained questions like ‘what have you accomplished today?’ to provide us with ideas to write with especially since we boys are not so big on keeping journals. Being a lazy boy, I did thought that the idea of having a journal is stupid, besides, what am I to write about? I have never accomplished anything, heck I was barely even an active students, all that I am ever proud of myself was working at the cooperative moving the boxes around inside the stock room. But that was when I got into this writing stuff, plus Jekyll and Hyde novel sparked my interest in writing in the form of inversions. I once wrote a letter to FBI saying that though I may not be able to find the one special thing or skill which makes me unique from others during my five years in here, perhaps I would soon find it when I am out in the real world.

But unfortunately, I blew it. Up to this day I am still that same boy who wrote those words, still struggling to find that one unique ability or skill which will make me stand out among the rest. I always envy people who had already found theirs. Some could cook well, others play games very well, some are very excellent in sports, few are into photography, web designing, to name some of the much more common ones, many could sing, play wonderful piece of music on their instruments like violins, guitars or drums, and so many more.

As for me, what can I do? Failed at sports, games, video making, singing is a positive no go; dancing, tried it a couple of times, I could barely more gracefully, lucky my partner was very patient of me; writing, my mind is a jumbled up place, I can barely keep my flow of thoughts clear when written down on paper; photography, better not mess with those big cameras, I can never take a good photo. So there you have it, nothing that I can do well.

Well now you know why I listen to Good Charlotte’s Hold On so often. I am tired of all this trying and failing, maybe it’s about time I fall down on my knees and admit the fact that maybe that is just how the world works, you know. You know the saying that goes, ‘some men are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them’ that is true, but what that quotation also imply is that only ‘some’ who will eventually be great, so by right ‘some others’ just have to settle with being common in order to keep this world in check, to balance the equation, is it not?

I leave the rest to you…….